3 relationship killers and how to avoid them
What's up legend,
My relationships used to be a mess.
Constant drama and fights about little things like toothpaste or laundry.
Begging for more emotional intimacy and Love.
And the worst of it all....
I sacrificed my wants and needs because….
"It is the right thing to do" as a man.
(Like moving in with my ex Kathi because otherwise she'd left me)
Like most men, I tried to be a "good man".
Do what's "right" for them...
Sacrificing myself in the process.
A typical nice guy.
Here are some of the worst mistakes that lead to a path of (self-) destruction
Mistake #1: Denial as an Effective Relationship Tool
I denied that I was unhappy about the relationship.
I denied that my "approach" wasn't working.
I denied that I, Gene Gerriet Gerrienne, was the problem.
(Yeah I know that's a pretty cool name)
What I should have done is to sit down, grab my journal.... put my ego aside and
write down what I truly want and what was missing..
This powerful gap-analysis will open your eyes quickly.
But I didn't...Instead I did the most "manly" thing....
A thing that every man does when things don’t go as planned…
We use logic…
Mistake #2: Believing Logic Will Change Her Point of View
I thought we could TALK our way out of this...
Don't get me wrong. Communication is VITAL BUT....
The HOW matters…
I explained to her that X + Y = 3X and we need to solve for "Y” and “X”.
There was a BIG Problem.
I came with a mathematical equation to an exam in literature.
I spoke Facts.
She spoke Emotions.
And we missed a translator.
Someone that bridges the gap.
So that ended in more drama and misunderstandings..
What I should have done:
I should have spoken the RIGHT language.
Change is scary for ANYONE.
So imagine how scary it is for HER when there's so much at stake.
Instead of going about it like a dictator speaking a foreign language to her, I should have
sat down with her and talked more about LOVE.
Because fundamentally if you are in a relationship both parties want the same FUCKING thing.
LOVE.
So, misunderstanding after misunderstanding, at some point I got fed up....
I knew the situation was beyond saving...
Guess what I did....
It took me 1.5 years to END a relationship that made my life HELL.
Imagine someone stabs you every day.
You know you don't like it.
And you could just say stop.
But you don't.
Why?
This is where the biggest mistake came in.
And this is a man's kryptonite.
Before you read on:
(Do you face similar issues in your relationship right now?
Or have faced them in the past?
Reply and share your story man. I’d love to hear it.)
Mistake #3: Dismissing the Impact of Childhood Trauma
I was raised by my grandma.
Absent father.
Mostly absent mother (saw her on weekends)
Grandma loved me but she hated men (trauma and shit, I don't blame her).
My mum hated men even more.
So, I was supposed to be "different"
"Don't be so loud Gene"
"Don’t be such a bad boy Gene"
Everyone in my environment suppressed and controlled me.
My granny’s Love stopped the moment I didn't ACT HER way.
So early on I learned that if I don’t suppress my true nature, I’m unworthy.
On top I knew that my parents rejected me at birth (hence granny raised me).
So, I subconsciously believed “I AM SHIT”
And I brought this into EVERY relationship.
Not only romantic.
Even work relationships.
So, I never stood up.
I never voiced my concerns.
Because if I'd do that, I thought people wouldn't love me.
So the never ending pleasing cycle started.
Yes, people might have liked me but NO ONE fucking respected me.
That's why it took me 1.5 years to break up with Kathi.
I was afraid of being abandoned.
I was afraid of being seen as "bad".
What I should have done:
Explore my childhood trauma and heal it.
Write down my entire life story, identify patterns and heal them.
Make peace with them.